please, let me make it through this

This has been so hard. I don’t think I was prepared at all for the emotional onslaught of these first few weeks – I’ve been looking forward to being a mommy for so long, and now I think that I made some sort of huge mistake. What was I thinking? I hope this passes soon.

Breastfeeding has been harder than I thought, too. I couldn’t get Aidan latched on without the nipple shield, and he’s been occasionally getting a pacifier, so of course now I see the words NIPPLE CONFUSION everywhere I turn and I feel so, so guilty, like I am ruining my son’s feeding habits. Truthfully, I want to give up. I want to go and get some formula and some bottles and be done with it all. But I’m trying to stick with it, because I really want this to work. I’m going to call the breastfeeding help hotline my hospital runs and see if I can get some help, either over the phone or in person or both.

I’m also completely wavering on my decision to cloth diaper. I don’t think I like them as much as I thought I would. I use prefolds with covers, but he pees and poops every single feeding (which means about every 2-3 hours) and sometimes I go through multiple diapers at a change because he just keeps on going in the middle of a change. And disposables? They are so much easier. But today I found some redness on his bottom, and I freaked – does he have diaper rash? He has diaper rash because I chose disposables over cloth? The mommy guilt piled on. I didn’t have any diaper rash cream on hand because I thought I wouldn’t need it (because I thought I would be cloth diapering). For the billionth time today, I started bawling my head off. Jason was gone all morning and into the early afternoon at church, and I felt so alone, even though my mom lives with us and was there every second helping me. She only cloth diapered my brother and me, too, although she’s been so wonderful and supportive, saying I need to make the decision that works best for me, not necessarily what I think I *should* be doing, and I can always change my mind later. I worry about using cloth when I have to go back to work and Aidan is in the care of others, I get weary at the thought of all the extra laundry, and frankly, I don’t really like how the entire cloth diaper gets saturated when he pees versus disposables which don’t really do that (unless I let him sit in a dirty diaper for a long time, which I don’t). But the investment I’ve made so far – and all the guilt – and all the expense of buying disposables and wipes and such - oy. I feel like my emotions and hormones are conspiring to make me feel like the worst candidate for motherhood ever. And then there were some people who thought I was taking on too much by trying to cloth diaper...and I just don’t want them to say “I told you so”. I can’t handle that right now.

My anxiety is at an all-time high right now, and it feels like there’s nothing I can do to stop it, either. In my head, I know God is in control. I know that He is not leaving me alone on this journey, that he has both me and my precious little Aidan in his big, strong, capable hands, and that I only need to take each day one at a time, even an hour at a time if necessary. But my heart doesn’t seem to comprehend that. I feel completely alone, scared, fearful of every little thing, wondering how on earth I am going to pull myself together enough to care for this little life, handle every expense, tackle each new challenge, go back to work after only a few months off. I know other moms have done it, and they have survived and done well and found much joy in the parenting process. I’ve had so much encouragement from women I know, telling me that this hormonal time DOES pass, that things get easier, and there is joy just around the corner. I want so much to believe them. But I’m afraid that the emotional wreck I am now – with my already established tendencies toward anxiety, even in my non-mommy days – will never go away, that I will spend this time that I should be enjoying my little one crying and worrying and missing every little milestone because I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH IT ALL.

I envy Jason and his calm demeanor. He is confident. He is not losing sleep over this, at least not any more sleep than we’re already losing from the late-night feeds and diaper changes. He is confident in me and my ability, and for the life of me, I cannot believe him one iota. I wish I could.

I know this is the most horrible, depressing thing to read. It makes me sad to read it over, too. I hope I can look back on this post in the near future, say “whew, I survived that!”, and go on loving my son. Right now though, it’s just a minute-by-minute struggle to keep my head afloat.