It was good. Nice drive - I listened to my new musical find, Rosie Thomas, and enjoyed the salty sea air when I got there. I managed to snag a really good spot in the parking lot at the beach ramp, so good that I had a full, unobstructed view of the rolling ocean waves without having to leave the privacy of my car. Normally, it would seem slightly ludicrous to drive all the way to the beach and just stay in one's car - you could pull up a picture of the beach on your computer or TV screen for roughly the same effect, minus the seashell fragrance - but I had some personal journeys to make, and I didn't want to have a Kleenex moment in front of 30 half-naked George Hamiltons. I read a great article about a woman's miscarriage story and cried for her and myself. I had a Publix sub and popcorn. I watched a couple of pregnant ladies walk by and really took time to explore the feelings attached to all of that.
I'm not all better, but I'm better. Lately my view of the world has been sober and melancholy, so it was nice to go to the beach and forget all of that, even if for a few hours. There's a statement from that article I mentioned earlier - I've had it on the front of my brain ever since I read it: "No one warned me that the life I was carrying inside of me was hope, not a promise." When I found out I was going to miscarry, I felt like someone broke a promise to me, and I was stricken by the injustice of it all. But every rare now and then, including a few short minutes today, I get a little bit of that hope back. I think, for a moment, that the bigger promise He made was never broken, though my heart cannot understand this loss here on earth. And my hope is not only for the children I hope to have in the future, the uncomplicated pregnancies I hope to enjoy without worrying 24/7, but that I will be solid once again in that promise, and the huge cloud of doubt I live under right now will lift.
No comments:
Post a Comment