Many of you know I took a new job a couple months back, a position change within the organization that I was mightily excited about. Mightily. And for good reason: everyone who worked there really liked it there, it was very interesting, a whole new world from what I was used to, and I love to flex my brain and take on a challenge. Plus, the promise of no weekend or holiday shifts was wonderfully appealing.
Right before I started, I found out I was pregnant. And then the cautionary statements started pouring in: people warned me that yes, it was a whole new world, and maybe not something I wanted to do while dealing with my ever-changing hormonal state. They cautioned me against transferring at such a uneven time in my life.
I didn't really heed their warning. It was only a couple of people, and everyone else was psyched for me, including my future coworkers and manager.
And then, I slowly descended into a nightmare. It was awful. The new job was certainly interesting, kept me on my toes, and there were learning opportunities at every turn. Unfortunately, it was too, too much. My brain felt like mush. I couldn't remember all the critical information I needed to have ready at a moment's notice. I moved slowly, and I was called out on it, repeatedly. I got asked, "You have a toddler at home... don't you need to move fast with him?" and I suddenly felt like a horrible mother AND a lousy employee. Nobody seemed pleased with how I was performing at work, and I felt the panic creeping into my body, along with a sense of failure that left me crippled, paralyzed. I dreaded work every day. I felt like the worst nurse to ever have graduated nursing school. I couldn't understand why my brain and my body just. wouldn't. cooperate.
In short, I sucked. I have never failed so miserably at anything like this in my life. It was absolutely, totally humiliating.
Two weeks ago, my manager and I had a meeting, and instead of being terrified, I was just over it all. I walked in there and told her, "This is not working out."
She said, "I know."
And I began the search for a new position. I had 30 days to get one within the organization before I would be officially sacked, but I didn't think it would be that difficult. There's a nurse shortage, right? I applied to a bunch of positions that looked interesting.
Nothing.
A week later, I applied to more.
Nothing.
The third week, I started to get worried. It takes a while for managers to do the whole interview/hiring process, and I was running out of time. I started applying to anything I felt remotely qualified for, even if it was not something I was totally jazzed about.
Nothing.
I'll admit, I have always had a hard time trusting God when things get really, really rough. Like when I'm pregnant, hormonal, and facing the loss of paycheck and benefits, especially after the brouhaha my body put me through after I gave birth to Aidan. I've stopped doubting that he WILL provide for me, but I doubt HOW He will provide, and whether it will be provision according to my terms (which aren't always the best). And it's a huge weakness of mine, this lack of faith, this tendency to want to turn God into my own personal vending machine, even after all this time and countless examples of how God not only comes through for me, but does so in spectacular, mind-blowing ways that I can hardly conceive with my limited human imagination. Still, dark roads really scare me. And this one terrified the crap out of me.
Thankfully, God's constancy and abundance is not reliant on our - or my - mustard seed-sized faith.
It wasn't quite the eleventh hour - maybe more like the ninth or tenth - and several things happened. I was running out of options: it seemed like every floor had already filled their positions, promised them to other people, or were not going to interview candidates for several more weeks yet. A friend reminded me about an old manager of mine, the very first one to ever hire me out of nursing school, one of the best I ever worked with, and that she was now nursing operations manager on a surgical oncology floor. When I went to go find her to ask if she possibly needed any RNs (and roundly expecting a "no" like I'd received from pretty much everyone else), I ran into said manager in the elevator. I told her my situation, that I would really love to work for her, and braced myself for a polite refusal.
What I got was a huge smile and that she would hire me "in a heartbeat" and that she was desperate for experienced nurses like me. There were some major transitions going on in her department, a higher acuity of patients was being sent there (the same acuity I'm used to, but new for the existing staff), and would I like to help mentor the staff? And she took me on a tour of the floor, introduced me to the staff, and offered me a job, just like that.
Immediately, I felt two months' worth of tension leave my body, just like that. I was so relaxed, I might have peed my pants right there. (I didn't, thankfully.)
I start Monday. I'm stoked. I'll still have rough days, difficult patients, frustrating coworkers, and everything in between. I'll still wonder occasionally what drug I ingested to make me want to go into nursing. But I'm excited for new possibilities and for new experiences that will stretch me and grow me and challenge me not only professionally but personally.
And I'm also really, really grateful that I have a paycheck and uninterrupted benefits to boot.
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