friday five: five of my goals for 2013

1. Write more. I've been stalking other peoples' blogs for quite some time now without doing any writing of my own. And I've had so many nights where I'm composing blog posts in my head as I'm falling asleep, things I want to share, things I want to process out as typed words instead of fleeting thoughts. I get inspired by blogs like this and this and this. I love these women who share their faith and families, inspiring and encouraging so many with their words. I'd love to return the favor, so here I am. I've often found myself struggling to add to my blog because I get tired of how it looks, but for now, I'll write and let the format change as I can.

2. Worry less. Yeah. This is going to be a big goal for me. Worry is the number one roadblock in my way of living the way God wants me to live. (There are other roadblocks, but this one is the behemoth.) When I lay my head down at night and stop the crazy whirlwind of crazy business that is my life, I worry. It's a bad, bad habit. Worrying does nothing to affect the outcomes, except that it makes me lose precious sleep, fogs my brain, and distracts me from all of the many positive things in my life. So since it is serving no useful purpose, I'd like to be rid of all that worry, or less of it at the very least.

3. Move more. My thoughts and emotions are constantly on the move, while my body is usually mostly stationary. When I move my body more, the inverse is true of my brain: I calm. It's after I've been on a run that I feel God's voice clearest in my heart, recognize the constancy of His promises. It's when I've shrugged off the couch in favor of helping the boys ride tricycles that I stop to enjoy their little moments and not spend them buried in my iPhone. My body also feels so much better and operates much more smoothly when I've treated it well and worked off some of those calories.

4. Spend less. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory: live within our means. 2012 was rough on our finances in a lot of ways, notably with the unsteadiness of Jason's income and unexpected medical expenses, and while we couldn't control some of the ways we had to spend money, a lot more choices were our own to make.

5. Enjoy more... of where I am right now. I'm a planner. I love to have the next 5 years of my life in clear view. I like to know what's coming next. (Stop laughing.) 2012 was all about learning that not only are my plans never set in stone, going with the flow and seeing the real plan God has for me is way richer, way better. It does mean giving up my tight little fist of control. I'm not so good with that yet. As this new year begins, so much of our lives is in flux: jobs, locations, schooling, finances. My nature is to be even more future-oriented, trying to plan out the next step so that everything will be okay. But my plans are so... HUMAN. And LIMITED. And in retrospect, I see the rather amazing journey God has taken me on, the paths He made for me vs. the paths I would have chosen myself, had it all been up to me, and I'm like, WHEW. And in the meantime, there are all these wonderful things to celebrate and enjoy and experience RIGHT. NOW. Like my two kids. And my husband. And a million other awesome things about where I am RIGHT. NOW. The future can take care of itself.

What are your goals for 2013? I'd love to hear them.

as good a reason as any to start blogging again...

I just realized my last post was in September. Of 2010. Where did the time go? So, to kick it off again, here's a New Year's meme, a few days late. YOU'RE WELCOME.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? Turned 35, threw my awesome husband a surprise party (thanks, Kelley!), started working as a case manager, started working from home, kept off the 50 pounds I lost in 2011, became the mom of a fantastic FOUR year old and TWO year old, moved away from Orlando and to Tampa, sold a house. Not bad.  

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Hmmm. I don't make resolutions, as that's pretty much a guaranteed way I will BREAK them. But as far as goals... I want to spend more time with the people who matter most to me (my husband, my boys, my God), find more ways to be a blessing to others instead of being selfish, write a little more (hey! I'm already starting strong!), lost those stubborn last 15 pounds, and run my second half marathon! Also, cut myself a ton of grace for the goals I don't quite achieve.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Why yes, yes they did! And several more cutie patooties due to come in 2013!

4. Did anyone close to you die? My sweet Nanna passed away. And I didn't actually know any of the dear angels in CT, but that hit me pretty hard.  

5. What countries did you visit? Stayed in the good ol' United States. 'MERICA.  

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you didn’t have in 2012? To live amongst snow and/or mountains. To save more than I spend. (Those two needn't be mutually exclusive, now.) To expand our family, by fur or by flesh. (NO I AM NOT PREGNANT.)  

7. What dates from 2012 will be etched upon your memory, and why? March 3 - moving to Tampa. August 25 - Jason's rockin' surprise party. December 25 - because I just freaking LOVE Christmas. And it was awesome.  

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year? Maintaining a 50 pound weight loss, pushing for a better job and getting it, and potty-training Aidan.

9. What was your biggest failure? Believing all those lies in my head, the ones that kept me from dreaming, achieving, spending time with the people I loved, not worrying. Also, not winning the Powerball, despite the ONE ticket I bought.  

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? A couple of running-induced strains, and a nasty bout with walking pneumonia around Halloween.  

11. What was the best thing you bought? My dad's Miata, for $1. (Yes, ONE DOLLAR). Also Aidan's potty-training intensive weekend.  

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? It's hard to narrow this down, but probably mostly from two dear friends, Shannon and Brianna, who continually buoyed me up, challenged me, made me laugh, and kept me sane. I really don't know what I would do without them. Jason should get some praise, too, for putting up with all of my swiftly changing moods.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? People who turned on each other around election time just because they didn't vote for the same person; most of the drivers on I-4; Honey Boo-Boo and most of reality TV.

14. Where did most of your money go? I'm still trying to figure this out.  

15. What did you get really excited about? I threw Jason his first surprise birthday party in August - first he'd ever had, and the first one I'd ever thrown. It could not have come together any more perfectly, and it was such a fun evening with dear friends. I always get mega-excited about Christmas and my birthday (in May), too. Pretty much anyone's birthday.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2012? Forever by Chris Brown. Yeah, I know. But I rediscovered it after watching a rerun of The Office (where Jim & Pam get married) and it has been on my playlist ever since.  

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? Probably about as happy, just about the same weight, and definitely monetarily poorer.  

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Writing. Spending time with my family. Being in prayer.  
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Laying in bed at night reading my iPhone. Farting around on my computer. Worrying.  

20. How did you spend Christmas? We had everyone over to our house, first to open gifts, then for Christmas dinner. This was the first Christmas I feel like both boys really GOT Christmas, and it was so much fun to watch them open up all their many (inexpensive) gifts. The wonderful thing about the under-5 set is that you can get them a ton of very inexpensive little toys, wrap them all up individually, and it looks like Toys R' Us exploded all over your living room when in fact you hardly spent much of anything on it. (It's the small handful of "big kid" gifts that hit your wallet hardest!)

21. Did you fall in love in 2012? I stayed wonderfully in love. Seriously. I have the best husband in the world.  

22. What was your favorite TV program? In case you couldn't guess, The Office. Also Parks and Recreation. Downton Abbey - although can I just say... THAT CHRISTMAS SPECIAL. WHAT.

23. What was the best book you read? I got to reread all of the Little House on the Prairie series AND Anne of Green Gables/Avonlea series. I loved it all over again.  

24. What was your greatest musical discovery? The new worship CD from Elevation. Seriously amazing stuff.

25. What did you want and get? A change of scenery, the opportunity to work from home AND a fantastic boss, healing for some long-standing hurts in my heart, a sweet pair of pj's, a chance to go to Disney and see the Candlelight Processional at EPCOT, new friends, a copy of Brave.

26. What did you want and not get? Nothing of any consequence. I'd love to have a good ice cream maker, but it's probably a blessing I didn't get that.  

27. What was your favorite film of 2012? I think 2013's will be Les Mis, but since I haven't gotten to see it yet, I'd definitely have to say Brave. Even better that I got it for Christmas to watch at home! Thanks Santa.  

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 35 this year - what - and spent the evening with the love of my life eating steak and drinking coffee.  

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? There are several distant relatives and friends that I wish weren't so distant.  

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2012? *sniff sniff* "Okay, it's clean."  

31. What kept you sane? My dear friends, my awesome husband, the times I remembered to pray, and - not gonna lie - Netflix.

32. What political issue stirred you the most? The election did, mostly for peoples' reactions to each other. Can't we all just get along? I hate conflict.  

33. Who did you miss? In no particular order: my cousin Jen in CA, all my family in DC area, my friend Brianna also in CA, and an entire throng of people all part of one particular church in Orlando.  

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012. It's just a bad day... not a bad life.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. 'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings So long status quo, I think I just let go You make me wanna be brave  

36. Bonus Question: What else will always remind you of 2012? Taking the boys to Chick-fil-A, Bubba saying "nuffing" and "Winnie the Pewp", trying out new recipes from Pinterest, driving down the country roads of Plant City to Orlando, tons of text messages back and forth to Brianna, Jason sitting at the dinner table at his computer... and a lot of smiles and giggles from my boys.

 

friday five: things I'm way stoked about

My new job. Yeah, I got a new job! Whee! I'm getting paid more, get to wear regular clothes instead of pajamas, and my commute has been shrunk down to just five minutes. Oh, and since it's not in a hospital, my chances of wiping poopy butts are just about nil. Well, unless my kids come to visit me.

My almost-crawler. Brendan is SO CLOSE, people. SO CLOSE. He's figured out how to get on his hands and knees and do the rock. Oh, and he's massively cute, as well has his brother, but that's nothing new.

My fun weekend. Starting tonight with Girls' Night with my double-trouble twin friends and assorted cronies, continuing tomorrow with lunch with my long-lost bosom friend Diana (from whom I get the name of this blog), a cookout with my best girls and their families, and ending with a spectacular Vision Sunday at church - if you are in the Orlando area, you do NOT want to miss a second of Sunday morning! Come join me!

My new toy. Yeah, I got an iPhone. And I'm just way too attached to my technology to put it down, even for a second. I can't believe I waited this long to get it.

My long-sleeved shirt collection. Because fall's coming! (I would say sweater collection, but I own, like, ONE.)

kitchen domesticity: chicken parmigiana

I think I've mentioned in my last two recipe posts how my husband's and my tastes diverge. I should take this opportunity to mention that there is one cuisine we consistently, emphatically agree upon: ITALIAN.

I've been wanting to find a good recipe for chicken parmigiana, especially because I wanted to make my beloved chicken parmigiana sub sandwich. There are days - non-pregnant ones, no less - where I sepnd my day CRAVING this sandwich. When it's good, it's heavenly. When it's bad, it's still kinda better than a lot of stuff out there. I'm not sure why I haven't tried to make it sooner - I don't always have the best of luck cooking chicken breasts, but it turns out that chicken cutlets fry up soooo much better. So when I came across this recipe (which uses chicken cutlets), I knew I had to take the plunge and give it a try. I didn't put it on bread only because my local grocery store was all out of sub rolls (freshly made ones, anyway) but lemme tell you, this is quite good. I'm also glad to have a new chicken recipe in our weekly dinner arsenal.

Now, if only someone would part with $80 and buy me this sweet little recipe box, I could write it out all nice and pretty-like...

Chicken Parmigiana (many thanks, Martha. It's a good thing.)

* 3/4 cup Italian-seasoned panko breadcrumbs (Progresso makes them)
* 3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
* 8 chicken cutlets (about 1 1/2 pounds total), or 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, halved horizontally
* Salt and freshly ground pepper
* 2 large eggs, lightly beaten
* 2 cups jarred tomato sauce (or your own homemade, whatever)
* 1/4 cup olive oil
* 6 ounces mozzarella cheese, preferably fresh, cut into eight 1/4-inch-thick slices

Heat broiler. Combine breadcrumbs and Parmesan in a shallow bowl. Season both sides of chicken with 1/2 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Dip chicken in the beaten egg, then dredge in breadcrumb mixture, turning to coat both sides.  I found it was easiest to coat/dredge all pieces at once and then transfer them to a plate, ready to cook.

Spread tomato sauce onto the bottom of a 10-by-15-inch baking dish. Heat 2 tablespoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Place 4 chicken cutlets in skillet; cook until golden, 1 to 2 minutes on each side.  Repeat with the last 4 cutlets (yeah, you'll need to add some more oil - the remaining two tablespoons).

Using a spatula, transfer browned cutlets to baking dish, placing them on top of sauce. Repeat with remaining oil and cutlets.

Top each cutlet with a slice of mozzarella. As you can see, I was a bit, well, CREATIVE when I was slicing the mozzarella.  I don't know if I didn't have the right knife or the right technique, but it all came out well in the end.  So if your slices look as lopsided as mine, no worries.

Broil about 4 inches from heat source until sauce is hot and cheese is melted and lightly browned in spots, 5 to 8 minutes. Serve immediately. 

Okay, this smelled SO good that by the time I remembered to take a final picture, this is what was left (also, the light was bad):

Yes, it was every bit as delicious as I'd hoped it would be.  I can't WAIT to put this on a sub!

friday five: my life in verbs

(stolen shamelessly and gratefully from Janet)

baking: lots of chocolate cookie dough cupcakes, mostly because of two birthdays in August (Aidan, Jason) and my upcoming departure from my current job. The five extra pounds one gains by eating just one of them is my personal gift to you. YOU'RE WELCOME.

shopping: turns out that I'm starting a new job in less than two weeks, one that requires me not to be swathed in pajama-like scrubs all day long. Currently, I don't own any pants that are not jeans or scrubs. Wardrobe FAIL.

writing: a lot more lately. You wouldn't tell by just watching this blog, really, but I'm starting to flex my pen and liking it. Huge thanks to this lovely gal for spurring me on.

pondering: getting up off the couch and doing yet another verb - running. Because the number on the size tag of the pants I'm buying is entirely too large, and also because I'm still signed up for this and don't want to pansy out of it.

wishing: for cooler weather already!

kitchen domesticity: beef with broccoli

Chinese food is my one of my absolute favorite foods, right up there with chocolate, ice cream, Coke, and macaroni & cheese. I've yet to meet a Chinese dish I do not like. Sadly, this is another one of those areas where my husband's taste and mine diverge: he's much more of a Tex-Mex kind of guy and does not care for most Chinese dishes, save the occasional Sesame Chicken dish. I would like Tex-Mex more, I think, given that it has a lot of my favorite food elements in it (cheese, tortillas, marinated meat), but more often than not, I have a perfectly decent meal ruined by even the tiniest little sprig of cilantro. Food of the devil, I tell you. EVIL.

Okay, so I'm not about to make this post all about the Herb That Must Not Be Named. Back to the Chinese food...

I love it. But neither my waistline nor my wallet can afford to eat out every time I want takeout, so I've been on the hunt for some good Chinese food recipes. I've tried several so far, and while they've been acceptable in taste and texture, every single one has proved to taste wildly inauthentic, nothing like the takeout I really wanted.

(Yes, I'm quite aware that Chinese takeout is about as authentically Chinese as a Little Caesar's pizza is authentically Italian.)

Who knew the missing link was... fish sauce?

Yep, fish sauce. Some of you might have known this already, but for an inexperienced Chinese takeout replicator-cook like myself, this totally blew my mind. FISH sauce? All I could picture was stinky, slimy water with fish bones floating in it. I know, I know, overactive imagination here. But that image kept me from trying this recipe for several months, and oh, am I ever sad I let those months go by. Because, people, this stuff is the BOMB. Seriously. It's completely delicious, easy to make, and there's no fish bones involved. I also love that it calls for a head of fresh (not frozen) broccoli. There's something really redeeming about chopping all that green when many of your meals come from a hospital cafeteria line.

Buying said fish sauce was interesting: the recipe called for "good fish sauce". I went to the store, looked in the "ethnic" food aisle, and there was only one bottle of anything with the word "fish" on it. So I bought it. No idea if it's good fish sauce or garbage, but the end result was mighty tasty, so I'm thinking I did okay. If any of you know of a superior fish sauce, bring me into the light!

Oh, and be forewarned: this dish be FRAGRANT, peeps. I don't know if it's the fish sauce, the sesame oil, or a combination of both, but the entire kitchen smelled like this dish for about 24 hours. It's a totally fantastic smell, don't get me wrong, but it meant I woke up at 4 am, ravenous, because I could still smell the fantastic aroma.

Also, I tried to take some pictures, but it was dark outside, and the light in my kitchen isn't fantastic, so the pictures came out all wonky. So, with much gratitude, I am using the pictures I found on the original website with this recipe. Thank you, Jaime!

Enough of my rambling. Here it is, takeout fabulosity abounding.

Beef with Broccoli (adapted from this recipe)

1/2 - 3/4 pound thinly sliced beef, such as sirloin, cut into 1-2 inch pieces
3 tablespoons soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 tablespoon good fish sauce
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
1 clove garlic finely minced or grated with a microplane
2 tablespoons olive oil
florets from 1 large bunch of fresh broccoli
red pepper flakes

Deglazing liquid:

1/2 cup water
1 tablespoon cornstarch
2 teaspoons soy sauce
1 teaspoon rice vinegar
1/2 clove garlic, finely minced or grated

1. In a plastic zipper bag or small glass dish, marinate the beef in soy sauce, baking soda, fish sauce, vinegar, garlic, and olive oil. Let marinate in fridge for 20 minutes.

2. In a large skillet set over medium-high heat, and working in small batches, sear beef on both sides. Remove to a plate, and set aside.

3. Make up deglazing liquid by combining all ingredients, making sure cornstarch is well mixed with no lumps. Set aside. (Note: if you like a lot of sauce for both your main dish and the rice to accompany it, I would double the amounts for the deglazing liquid.)

4. Add broccoli florets to the pan, pour over deglazing liquid, and cover. Let steam for 2-3 minutes, or until the broccoli is bright green. Add the beef back in, heat through (another minute or so), and sprinkle with a pinch of red pepper flakes. Serve with steamed rice (my preference is jasmine rice - so fragrant and perfect for this dish).

Enjoy!

two years old

Today, my sweet, silly firstborn turned two years old. How did time fly by so fast, Aidan? Can't I stop time to keep you cute and little and adorably cuddly forever?

We had a great birthday party for our big boy at Fort Mellon Park in Sanford. They have a HUGE splash pad and playground, both of which our birthday boy was only mildly interested in that day. But lucky for us, it started to really rain... and that's when Aidan got excited! He's a big fan of rain and splashing in puddles, and he did both happily for most of his party.

Shannon came over the day before the party and helped me put together a lot of the crafty stuff, including these adorable little "2" and "A" circles for the cupcakes and jelly bean favors. Aren't they adorable? They're all her creation.

By the way, these cupcakes are my number one favorite kind to make: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough cupcakes. The cupcake is brown sugar with chocolate chips, the frosting is (surprise!) a FLOUR based brown sugar frosting, and inside is a surprise dollop of (eggless) cookie dough. Each element by itself is fairly okay to eat, but combined all together in a bite... holy sweet heaven.

We all had a great time! One of our cuter partygoers got pretty tuckered out...

By the way, that will be the LAST time I ever use Evite to invite people to a party. I had so many people who didn't RSVP because - I highly suspect - the invite went straight into their junk mail folder, as do most all of the invites I ever get from Evite. Big Evite FAIL. Next time, I won't be such a cheapskate and will actually mail out a card or something. However, the hard-core party animals who were there were some of our most favorite people, and we were so very glad to celebrate with them in the rain.

Overall, the day was a great success. After a couple of hours splashing about in the rain, we took our two tuckered-out boys home for a nice long nap, followed by present opening and a birthday dinner at Steak N' Shake. Aidan loved all his presents! A huge thank-you to everyone for being so very generous.

Happy Birthday, Aidan! Your Dada and I love you more than we could ever express. Keep growing wonderful, my sweet boy.

kitchen domesticity: summer corn chowder

You may not have known this about me, but I live in a divided household, and it's a divide that runs pretty deep: the Vermeulens are pretty polarized when it comes to how they like to eat corn. I go nuts over corn on the cob, particularly grilled just right so that some of the kernels are ever-so-slightly browned. It was one of my favorite foods growing up, and it still reigns supreme among my cherished comfort foods. Jason, however, prefers his kernels loose: when in charge of dinner, corn will inevitable come from the can (in his defense, it's usually organic), boiled on the stove, and the loose little kernels, while tasty, make me yearn for the cob version. When we do eat from the cob, Jason will actually cut his kernels off of the cob, and I just cringe. He cannot understand why any sane human being would prefer to eat their corn still tethered to a stalk - that's just asking for a long night with a toothpick and floss. (Which, ironically, is EXACTLY what happens to me when I eat popcorn, something he loves to inhale by the fistful. Go figure.)

Thankfully, we do come together in harmony for one style of corn: summer corn chowder.

I came across this recipe a while ago, after we discovered a local restaurant's savory, delicious corn chowder that was, sadly, the only worthwhile option on an otherwise ho-hum menu selection. It is hearty, creamy without being too heavy, easy to make, full of delicious corn and potatoes, and is a perfect solution to my search for an easy, no-fuss take-to-work lunch option. We make it often in our house, no matter what the season, and even the fussy toddler likes it. So, without further adieu and to kick off what is I hope the first of many more blog posts, the recipe:

Summer Corn Chowder (adapted most gratefully from here)
4 tablespoons butter
6 tablespoons onion, chopped
3/4 cups celery, large dice
2-1/2 cups hot water
2 cups raw potato (I like red), cut in 1/2 inch cubes
3 cups frozen corn, thawed (or fresh corn, if you have it)
4 tablespoons sugar
2 teaspoons salt
1 pinch white pepper
1 quart half & half
3 tablespoons flour

Over medium heat, melt butter in a medium stockpot or Dutch oven, add chopped onion and celery, and simmer for 5 minutes or until soft (but not browned). Add water, potato, corn, and seasonings. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes, or until potatoes are just barely tender.

In a small bowl, whisk the flour into one cup of the half & half until well-incorporated, then stir into the soup. Add the remaining 3 cups of half & half.

Simmer for about 15 minutes on medium low, uncovered, stirring frequently, until the soup has thickened into a creamy consistency (when cooled, it will slightly thicken even more). Correct the seasoning to your liking with additional salt and pepper, as desired. Correct the consistency, if desired: to make the soup thinner, add a little milk. To make the soup thicker, simmer another 5-10 minutes.

Note: I have made this soup in a ton of different, sometimes unintentional variations. I have used dried onion flakes instead of real chopped onion - still good (though nothing beats a fresh vegetable). I've accidentally omitted the celery when I forgot to get it from the store - less roughage, but still tasty. I've accidentally added the half & half at the beginning of the recipe (along with the water) instead of at the end - still tasty. I've never used fat-free half & half, but I'd be willing to bet that if you used a combination of half fat-free and half regular (heh - half half & half, in other words), it would still be mighty tasty and with less fat. I've never done fresh corn off the cob, but I can imagine it would taste amazing with the extra effort. The one thing I highly recommend you NOT omit or change is the incorporation of the flour into a small portion of the half & half: I've forgotten this step before and thought I could just throw in the flour into the pot, and what I end up with is a soup that has the consistency of milk, with some strange, unappetizing lumps of flour thrown in, even if I whisk the heck out of it (doesn't work).

Finally, ENJOY.  You can pretty much make this recipe to taste however you prefer: more salt, less pepper, thicker consistency, less potatoes, more corn, whatever.  It makes for a great vegetarian meal on its own, or as a nice side dish.

retrospective: aidan, month one

When Aidan was born, I started writing him letters at the end of each month. I made it up to month six before life sort of took over and I got distracted. I'm in the process of writing Brendan's month one letter, but I never did share Aidan's when he was that little, so, without further ado, here is a little missive I wrote to my firstborn for you to read and enjoy:

September 8, 2008

Dear Aidan,

Today you are officially one month old. One whole month. In some ways, it seems like ages ago that we came home from the hospital, both of us somewhat bruised, squinty-eyed, and ready for a really, really long nap. In other ways, it seems like just yesterday I was marveling at your 7 pound, 4 ounce tinyhood.

Time does fly, doesn’t it, Sweet Pea?



Being your mom has been the most awesome and most intense experience of my life. Your sweet little toes, your unbelievably soft velvety skin, your button nose and bubble chin that you inherited from me, your grayish eyes that are slowly turning blue (I think), and your sweet, mellow disposition have completely captured my heart. Sometimes, when my mind is racing, and I cannot sleep – and there are many nights like that – I watch you sleep, and your peaceful face and soft, contented little sighs make everything fall into place in my heart.

Your daddy and I love to watch you any time of the day, especially when we are burping you. Because that’s when you make the cutest “old man” faces, cheeks a-chubbed and arms hanging at your side as you help us work those gas bubbles out. You can burp like a frat boy at a kegger, my love, and I have never been more proud of such booming bodily functions. I know you don’t know what “good boy” means, but we tell you that pretty much any time you burp, fart, pee, or poop. I can’t promise that you’ll always have a cheering committee when you perform these acts later in your life, but for right now, they’re always a reason to celebrate.



When I first held you in my arms in the operating room, I knew I had so much to teach you – about the world, about the God who created you and loves you, about your father and I, and about all the big and little things of life. But the great surprise of this month, and likely about the next 21+ years to come, my little one, is that YOU are the one teaching me.

Aidan, you’ve taught me how to roll with the punches. Even from your emergency C-section birth – necessary because your head was pushed against my pelvis with every contraction, causing your heart rate to drop – you were God’s little messenger, telling me: Anne, you can’t plan EVERYTHING. And so it began: the pile of cloth diapers we’d amassed for you because we wanted to be both financially conservative AND ecologically sound when we dealt with your poop? A huge box of Pampers soon replaced them. You love Pampers, and so does Mommy, Aidan. They keep your sweet little bum dry! The breastfeeding I had planned to do since I’d wanted to become a mom? I had to stop because of a medication I had to take in order to be a happy mommy instead of a neurotic, no-fun mommy, and you took formula instead. That was a hard one, because breastfeeding you was so bound to the ideas of motherhood I had jammed in my head, it was hard to imagine that anything good could come out of formula. However, you were perfectly happy on formula, didn’t seem to notice the change in food delivery systems, thrived beautifully, and put on weight like a champ: at your two-week checkup, you were 8.5 pounds, up from your hospital discharge weight of 6 pounds, 10 ounces. Every day, we watch your sweet little face get fuller and a double chin start to appear, so it seems that you and formula do well with each other. In the end, your health and happiness is more important to me than my stubbornness about sticking to an ideal that just doesn’t work for either of us.



Can I embarrass you for a moment? I’m sure I’ll embarrass you countless times in your life, so I’ll start with a doozy now: YOU HAD GREEN POOP. Not just at birth, either, my love, because all babies have green poop then. Right around 3 weeks, you were having some trouble digesting the formula we gave you. You grunted and groaned and strained, and it eventually drove you to cry. And when we heard our mellow, sweet baby cry, we knew something was wrong, because prior to then, you’d only cried a handful of times in those three weeks. We tried soy formula, and things got worse… and THAT is when the poop turned clay green. And it stunk worse than anything your daddy could produce after a night of lager and hot garlic chicken wings, so we quickly switched you to a lactose-free formula. Ta-da! Tummy trouble gone.

And so ends the embarrassment. For now, anyway.

You’ve taught me how to trust my instincts as a parent. Those early days when we were home from the hospital were quite a roller coaster ride, my love: you were unbearably adorable and cute, but there’s nothing quite like a helpless, non-verbal little human being thrust into your care that makes you question every move you make. We worried and fretted over everything about you: your delicate skin, the color and consistency of your diaper contents, your every sound, your sleeping habits, you name it. Your Nana was my parenting encyclopedia (still is), and in those first few weeks, I must have looked to her with a pained, worried expression at least five hundred times a day and said, “What do I do? What does that mean?” I doubted myself even more when we had to take you back to the hospital for an overnight visit, just days after we’d first left because your jaundice wasn’t clearing up. But we finally got to know each other, and I started to pick up on your little signals and cues, and being your mommy wasn’t such a mystery job anymore.




You’ve taught me how to laugh, even in the face of sadness. You’ll find out soon enough that your mommy tends to worry about things a little too much, and during this first month, there wasn’t much I didn’t worry about, from the reasonable (is that diaper rash I see?) to the completely irrational (what if the ice caps melt so much that everyone drowns and you never get to grow up?). Inevitably, though, just as I was getting into a full-blown worrywart mode, you’d pee straight into the air during a diaper change with a goofy look on your face, or make an enormous belch, or fart really, really loud and stinky. And I’d have to throw my head back and laugh at how funny you were, even when I’d just been on the verge of tears. Yes, your mother is just that mature: potty humor is the BEST humor for me, my dear boy. It’ll come in handy when you’re in school and you need to learn how to produce your own belches. Or learn the infinite joys of a whoopee cushion. That’ll be your mom teaching you all of that.




You had a wonderful photography session with a friend of ours from church, Garrick Boyd, and you were, of course, a natural in front of the camera, even at 2 weeks old. At one point, we completely undressed you for some “natural” shots with your daddy (he stayed dressed), and as I handed you off to him, you decided that it was the perfect time to unleash your power: you peed straight into the air, all over yourself, your daddy, and the blanket you were both laying on. And just as we managed to wipe everything up, you promptly pooped on your daddy’s jeans and completely grossed him out. I was laughing so hard that I nearly doubled over. (You’ll be grateful to know that no photographic evidence of that poop-on-Daddy event exists…)

Most of all, you’ve taught me how much l can love. And oh, how I love you, my sweet Aidan. I love you so, so much. Sometimes, I look at you, and my heart swells with that love, and I physically hurt from it. Sometimes that love is almost too overwhelming, and I wonder if I am good enough, qualified enough to be Mommy to such an amazing little boy. Aidan, neither of us will be perfect, and there will be times where we both make mistakes along this journey as you grow up. I will always try my best to be the best mommy to you that I can be, but I may stumble along the way. You might stumble, too, but I’ll always be here for you, little bud. And Jesus, who loves you and I more than we could ever imagine, doesn’t make mistakes, and He certainly didn’t make one when he paired us up together. He knows how much I needed your sweet little heart to connect with mine, and I have never felt so humbled or so blessed to be called your mother. Because of you, I understand how deep and how strong our Father’s love is for us – a million, billion times more than even my love for you. And as I send you out into the world, a world full of uncertainty and stumbling blocks, a little more each day, I know Jesus will be holding your hand the entire way, guiding and protecting you, loving you, holding you close, and growing you every day.



I love you, sweet Aidan. Welcome to our family.

Love,
Mama

worrywart

It's true. I'm a hopeless worrier. I worry about EVERYTHING. About what my day at work will be like (I've had enough bad ones in my nursing career to be, in my opinion, justifiably nervous each morning when I head to work), about the eleventy-million different types of bad drivers I'll possibly encounter on the highway with my son strapped in his car seat, about that soda I just drank which is now certain to cause me pancreatic cancer, about Aidan bonking his head when I'm not looking... you get the picture.

Some worries last all of about 3 seconds. (I have to admit, I might have benefited from worrying about soda causing harm to my body a WEE bit longer and consequently maybe swearing off the stuff, but too great is my love for the bubbly, I'm afraid.) Some worries are easily solved. Some are just... NOT.

Maybe the worry that has caused me the most anguish over the longest period of time? My skills as a mom. Because isn't it true, ladies, that no matter how much we do for our kids (or don't do), we always feel like we could have done just a little bit more? Or - even worse - that even if we had tried our hardest, it just wouldn't cut it... that it wouldn't be good enough?

Oy. And I was just expecting some sleep issues, poopy diapers, snuggles, and messy noses when I got pregnant the first time.

And don't get me wrong: I am not just a constant worrier, but I've got, like, a freaking PhD in the subject. Worrying about whether giving my kids graham crackers over spinach was a good idea? Naw. Too easily dismissed. Too ELEMENTARY. No, I've graduated on to the worries that will both be difficult to solve AND will keep me up for many nights because they're so far in the future. The latest? That one of my boys - or both - will get mercilessly picked on when they're in school. (Note: Aidan is not even two years old. Baby V isn't even BORN yet.) I got picked on a LOT when I was in middle and high school, not in an obvious physical way like I think boys get picked on, but in that horribly undermining, catty way that we girls can be so good at. Getting punched in the face might have been more terrifying in the moment, but the wounds that come from hearing you just don't belong take much, much longer to heal. Unhealed by the time you get knocked up as a thirty-something adult? Yeah. Transferred on to your own kids.

I'm quietly thanking God for NOT having a daughter just yet for that very reason.

These are issues I've been working through for years now, feeling inadequate, feeling left out, feeling like a sideshow freak instead of accepted and loved. It's something I would really love NOT to pass on to my kids, but as much as I think I've resolved them, they come roaring back. Recently, I had some key events happen in my life that made all of those feelings, which I had previously only brought out of hiding with kid gloves, large tongs, and the most delicate of handling on rarest of occasions, pouring and tumbling out in a big messy glob, all over the side of a Colorado mountain. Feeling left out and rejected because I screwed up, wasn't good enough? Bigger than I'd felt in a long, long, long, LONG time. It pained my present AND sent my worrywart nature into serious overdrive. I could hardly prepare a bottle of milk for my son without having a mini-breakdown all over again.

It's been a few months, several Starbucks mochas with extra whip, several hard but necessary conversations from people who love me more than I truly deserve, and lots of digging into the messy places to get me to today, where I'm slowly, doggedly, opposite-of-efficiently learning that God? Never ever rejected me. Never ever told me I screwed up so bad that I was out of His loving grace. Never ever left me unprotected, even during those super-painful, awkward years of adolescence when all I wanted was to either blend in or disappear entirely. And He never, ever will do those things. And He loves me too, too much to let me continue in self-destructive behaviors, and if the loving thing to do is to pull me out of comfortable spaces and familiar groups, well, He will. Because He LOVES me and wants more for me than the mud and the dirt I'd rather sit in because it's comfortable and familiar. That's entirely the opposite of rejection and exclusion.

Part two of that lesson is realizing the same principle applies to Aidan. And to my unborn son. And to everyone I love and carry close to my heart. Deep down, it's a trust issue: do I trust God, even when I don't understand why things happen the way they do? Do I trust that He'll still be in complete control, even when I feel like I have no control... and am I OK with not having any control? Do I trust Him with those whom I love most in this world, my sweet son with his tender little curls and dimpled cheeks and wobbly, chubby legs that I want to protect from every bad thing out there in the world?

I confess: I worry. I worry still. I have every reassurance, more than ample evidence that He's got me covered, and yet, I worry. Like an old ratty security blanket, I pick up my worry, again and again. And conveniently remember only the barbs, the stings, the screw-ups of my life, and I wrap that blanket so tight around myself that I cannot breathe.

I do not want to suffocate my kids in the same way. I love them too much to let my neuroses be my lasting legacy.

One of the blogs I regularly follow is written by a super-lovely woman of incredible faith, all the way out in the Midwest where they have lots of corn and fields and cows and cow poop. She recently gave birth to her second child, a most handsome boy named Levi, nearly a year after she lost her first child, Cora, to neuroblastoma at age eleven months. If there's anyone I know that has reason to be skittish and worrisome, well, she's got more reason than I do. Aidan's biggest injuries thus far have consisted of a few head bonks on the carpet, a fingernail cut too close, and some inflamed eardrums quickly cleared up by antibiotics. Certainly not a deadly cancer.

Anyway, she recently celebrated Cora's "heavenly anniversary", one year to the day after she sent her sweet girl into the arms of Jesus. And she posted this quote:

Never look ahead to the changes and challenges of this life in fear. Instead, as they arise look at them with the full assurance that God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. Hasn't He kept you safe up to now? So hold His loving hand tightly and He will lead you safely through all things. And when you cannot stand, He will carry you in His arms.

Do not look ahead to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you His unwavering strength that you may bear it. Be at peace, then, and set aside all anxious thoughts and worries.

Francis de Sales

Wow.

I pray for little boys that grow into strong men of God... not weak men who have been shielded from every little sting. I want them to have the warrior heart of Jesus, but yet, I fear the scrapes and the scars. Doesn't every great hero have a scar or two to show? Don't I have my own scars to prove that God gave me that unwavering strength? Is my faith not thousands of times deeper than it was before the storms and the stings and the dark moments... because He brought me through every single time?

Okay, so I think I'll still cry a little bit, maybe in secret, if one of my boys comes home and says that someone called him a name or pushed him down to the ground. And I'm probably still going to worry about things completely out of my control. But I want to walk with that constant assurance that I - and my sweet boys - will always be protected... or given extraordinary, Godly strength to bear whatever circumstances come our way.

Because we are that LOVED.

Be at peace, then, and set aside all anxious thoughts and worries.

Okay, Daddy.