sadness

I lost a dear friend yesterday. Or at least, I feel like I lost a dear friend.

Any of you who have been in a band or small musical group for any length of time know how close you get to your bandmates/fellow musicians, even after a short time. The musicians on our ragtag little worship team are my family: some of them are literally related to me (like my husband) and still others are so closely knit to my heart that they might as well be biologically tied to me. We laugh and make music together, we cry together, and sometimes we don't like each other all that much, but family is family.

I lost a member of that family last night, and I am sad about it on so many levels that I cannot adequately verbalize. There was no physical death involved, only a set of devastating personal circumstances that, I suppose, caused my friend to feel that being on our worship team was no longer an option, even though I know how very much this person loved being with us and looked forward to each rehearsal and each Sunday. I can't explain particulars, but those circumstances had absolutely nothing to do with us or with Grace Fellowship or the worship team... but now they do, I suppose, because we lost family.

Jason and I have tried, in vain, to reach our friend - no success. I don't even know if this person is still in town or not. I am full of regrets and wishing, like many of us do in similar situations, that it wouldn't have come to a situation like this for me to express just how much we love someone and how much they have touched our lives and our hearts. Musicians come and go, and we can certainly find a replacement for the actual musical void, but it was that incredible gentle heart, the quiet strength, the amazing humility (even with such mind-blowing talent) that will all be impossible to replace. Most of you know how much it takes to get me to cry, particularly in public, and when I got the news last night that this person was no longer a part of our family (certainly not by anyone else's wish) I sobbed like a baby, without reservation. My heart still feels like a lump of lead.

I know that loss is one of those unavoidable parts of life that we must all endure, but I still don't understand it. I trust God and I know He does all things to benefit, not harm, His children... but this doesn't feel particularly beneficial at the moment. Not that I am doubting Him - I just know I can't fathom the bigger picture in all of this. And I find myself trying to ease the hurt with whatever can fit into my mouth. Food won't change anything, but try telling that to my heart. My sorrow could knock over a half dozen delicatessens right now.

There is always the remote possibility our friend is reading this right now. If you are, please come home. We love you and we miss you.