patience, grasshopper...

Yesterday, I took my board examination, the NCLEX-RN. I can honestly say that it was the worst testing experience, if not one of the worst overall experiences of my life so far. Despite all of my previous vows to remain the epitome of calm and Zen, despite my repeated prayers leading up to and during the exam, I still became so anxious that I cried in the middle of the test. I walked out, certain that I had failed. I am remembering snippets of questions and realizing in my calmer, post-exam state that I likely got those wrong.

I am waiting for results now. I am told that I can check a website by tomorrow afternoon and know if I passed or not, though I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't peeked on the website to see if I made it or not. The official letter will come sometime during the middle of next week.

It's hard to describe how I feel right now, because the emotion changes every five minutes: fear, relief that it's done, sorrow, panic, agitation, anger, hope, despair, envy at friends who passed, sympathy for those who didn't and comfort that if I don't pass, I'm not alone. Most of all, I find myself confused and frustrated: this is just the latest of a series of events that has left me feeling wounded and hurt over the past couple of month, and I wonder, "Why this, God? Why now? What are you doing to me?" I know am certainly not the first, nor will I be the last, to ask that question. I know God is big enough, as my friend Tiffany says, to handle my anger and frustration. But there are still many moments of being overwhelmed, tears of fear (no, not Tears For Fears), and praying for miracles and grace.

I am trying not to think about having to go back to work, demoted from graduate nurse to clinical tech, in maroon scrubs and a constant stream of questions like, "why are you not in your navy scrubs?" and "how did the test go?" I'm trying not to think about having to repeat the awful experience in two months, to go through all that anxiety and hell again. I'm trying not to think, period.

For everyone who has given me encouragement and good wishes, thank you. I hope that all those people who said, "I'm sure you did fine" are absolutely right...