diving into the deep end

I've announced it to my family, friends, and coworkers. I've written about it in 2 posts so far (3, counting this one) on this, my little corner of the Internet. I've added a ticker to my Facebook page. I've even shown up places wearing a maternity shirt (though in my defense, it looks very chic and un-maternity). I've mentioned I've had two beautiful ultrasounds and several reassurances from those with medical expertise that all is well and will likely continue to be well. I've had countless friends pray over me, with me, and for me.

So why am I still holding my breath?

Last night, at our church's leadership meeting, 70 of Grace's movers and shakers gathered in the church offices to eat BBQ, socialize, and dream together about how we can advance God's kingdom, particularly in the Orlando area. Nothing about babies. We ate, we prayed, we cast some great visions, we laughed, we listened to motivating talks, we ate some more. Still nothing about babies. I swallowed some of my anxiety and shyness and talked with people I hardly knew, along with old friends and familiar faces. I even got to eat a little BBQ with no gastrointestinal consequences. Again, no baby talk.

Except for maybe that icebreaker at the very beginning, a trivia game about the church.

The questions started out well enough: name the church's mission statement, guess how many diapers our children's director changed in one service, name the year when Mike decided to shave his head for good (totally works for him). And then... "Name the staff member whose wife is pregnant!" When it came time for the answers, everyone shouted out, "Jason!" and clapped and congratulated us and whooped and hollered. It was only slightly embarrassing.

As they moved on to the next question ("Which volunteer group gets the most recognition at Grace?**), I got this funny feeling in my my stomach, like butterflies. No, it wasn't the baby kicking - that would be a lot lower. The butterflies turned into some major tidal waves. And I had to step out for a second. Even when I came back, when the meeting ended and everyone was standing around chatting, I could still hear my name in conversation occasionally, and I felt my stomach flop around.

I can't tell you why I freaked out, having that very public confirmation that this pregnancy was very public and known. Maybe it's all the pregnancy hormones, the very common pre-birth jitters every mom faces before the big day arrives. Maybe I just got a little embarrassed. But let me tell you, for as much as I wanted the world to know that I am finally and successfully pregnant, that it wasn't a miscarriage or a false start, I also knew that I have no guarantee, no promise that nothing bad will happen, and sometimes, that lack of guarantee gives me the chills. And I can't remember any pain or embarrassment greater than the last time I had to tell all those people I told that I was pregnant that, no, it didn't work out, the pregnancy failed. I couldn't even tell my family, except to have Jason call and break the news.

Being pregnant has been a true test of my faith. I thought that two good ultrasounds under my belt would be reassurance enough, that I could start dreaming of pink ruffles or blue stripes and finally rest easy. But a life like that, as idyllic as it seems, leaves no room to need my God, and oh, do I need Him now. I need Him to carry this baby safely through the next several months, through the years of growing and exploring and falling down and heartache and joy and learning. I need Him to carry me when my child is the living representation of my heart beating outside of my body, and all the days I cannot hold that heart close enough to me. I need Him to tell me that He is in charge, especially when I am feeling completely helpless and out of control. Last night was one of those moments, a moment of pure fear and panic at the thought of all those good wishes and congratulations becoming empty and for nothing.

Trust in Him with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding...


**Just in case you wondered, the volunteer group that gets the most recognition? Refreshments, aka the Donut Gang. You can have a Sunday without worship music, without children's services, and even without the pastor teaching, but there is a holy uproar if there isn't some Krispy Kreme waiting for you when you get to church!