skinny pants: a parable

1 And in the twelfth month of the year of our lord two thousand and six, there was a long journey to a distant land named Washington, District of Columbia.

2 Yea, it was a blessed journey, and husband and wife made merry with their kinfolk, and there was much celebration and eating of rich foods. Blessed was their time with their kinfolk.

3 And it came to pass that another journey was planned for the husband and wife, for the wife looked upon the contents of her wardrobe and decreed that nay, her clothes fit her no more.

4 And so it was that the husband took his wife to a center of great retail, to the large marketplace in the great city.

5 The husband said to his wife, "Woman, you have great endurance, and you shall be rewarded for your faithful fitness crusade and weight sacrifice. Verily, I say unto thee, thy reward shall be great."

6 And the wife rejoiced greatly, and saw the retail laid out before her eyes, and declared that it was good and fit for purchase.

7 And there was much handling of fine clothery, and lo, the woman discovered a pair of worthy pants the color of young doves, and she purchased them.

8 And behold, the pants were pleasing to the eye and very small in size, and the price was low, and the woman looked upon herself in the room of dressing, and she declared that it was good.

9 Many months passed, and the woman wore her dove-colored pants, and there was great joy, yea, for the woman continued to sacrifice her weight and ran with joy.

10 Now there was in the land many temples of great feasting, and the faithful woman was soon tempted and trialed, and she saw the great gluttony of those around her, and she rebuked those who offered such empty riches.

11 But there was in the woman a hunger, yea, a hunger so great that no man could stop its force, and the woman found herself feasting among the gluttons and taking great pleasure.

12 But with her gluttonous sin came a mighty wrath, for behold, it is said that no man shall eat more than his allotted share. The mighty wrath came upon the woman, and the sacrifice of weight ceaseth, and her body expanded and grew corpulent.

13 And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, and behold, the woman did rend her garments, for the pants of dove color no longer fit, and a muffin top was evident to all in the land. And the woman was covered with a great sadness, and she covered herself in sackcloth from Target, and she ran no more.

14 And it came to pass that in the twelfth month in the year of our Lord two thousand and seven, the angel of obstetrics descended upon her. The woman was very afraid and feared the stirrups, but the angel said, "Behold, I bring you tidings of great joy."

15 "For you will bear a child in the ninth month; verily, I say unto you, a child will be born unto you, unto thee he shall be birthed, and you shall call him blessed."

16 "How can this be?" crieth the woman. "My husband and I have not known each other for many months, and my body is afflicted, yes, greatly afflicted by the great cellulite."

17 And the angel replied, "Woman, do not be afraid, and consume thy multivitamin once daily, and avoideth alcohol and sushi."

18 And the woman removed her paper gown, and she pondered all these things in her heart.

19 And it came to pass that the woman bore a son, whom she named Aidan, and there was much rejoicing and merriment. And she wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and lo, he crapped on the swaddling, and there was a great wailing.

20 But the woman was very happy, for her heart overfloweth with love, but she was troubled, too, for her ankles and hips overfloweth with water retention.

21 And the woman was filled with great fear and trembling, and she once again rent her garments and gnashed her teeth, for it appeared that even the fat pants would fit no more.

22 But it came to be that a great blessing was bestowed upon the woman as she tended to her son, for the affliction of her spare tire was miraculously removed, and she was healed, even lighter than before she became with child.

23 And the angel of fashion visited the woman, and behold, she was no longer afraid, but very calm from the Valium, and the angel spoke unto her:

24 "Woman, I say to thee, remove thy shapeless maternity wear! Banish thy fat garments, and put on your skinny gray pants."

25 And the woman was filled with doubt, but when she saw the angel's bling and smart clothing ensemble, lo, she was filled with belief, and she fell to her knees in praise of the Lord.

26 And so it came to pass, on the 19th day of the ninth month of the year of our Lord two thousand and eight, the woman wore her skinny dove-colored pants. The woman leapt and danced and ran 2 miles in thanksgiving.

27 And there was much merriment and celebration, and the finest beers were brought to the celebration, and lo, Irish car bombs and imported lagers were raised in celebration.

28 The celebration lasted late into the night; the flute and the lyre were filled with song, and all feasted until they had their fill and grew sleepy.

29 And the morning came, and the sun rose high, yea, the sun was hot and bright, and the woman found that her skinny gray pants still fit.

30 For I say unto thee, the power of the Lord is great, and miracles are still performed to this day.

31 Verily, I say unto thee, go out and tell this story to your peoples, and spread the Good News to all nations.

32 Amen.