finding joy

It's been a long time since I posted, hasn't it? I'm kind of amused at how little I've been writing and yet how great my husband is about posting on his blog - when I first started this blog, back in the day, I suggested to Jason that he might like to do the same. He didn't really warm up to the idea at first, but then he started posting a little in his own space... and now, well... I have some catching up to do!

Anyway, it's been a long time, but not because the inner wheels of my head haven't been busily turning all this time. I've been looking inside myself a lot lately. A lot of what I have found is stuff that I don't feel ready to post publicly. Some of it, I barely understand myself and find it hard to put into words. Soul searching is hard work, yo.

A friend of mine recently took me out to lunch - it was delicious and we had a good time, but it was a lunch with a purpose. You can sense when someone has a message to give you. And she said to me, "You know, Anne, for as long as I've known you, over these past 5-6 years, you've always wanted something. First you were sad because you didn't have a boyfriend, and you wanted a boyfriend. Then someone came along and you were sad because he didn't like you as much as you liked him. Then you met your husband to be and just wanted to get married, and you were sad because you wondered if he would ever propose. Then you got married, and you were wanting to have a baby, and sad that you didn't have one. Then, you wanted to have a house and were sad living in your apartment. And you have all these things now, and I just wanted to say to you: be happy. Don't keep "waiting" for the next thing. Whatever it is you have to do to be happy, do it. You've gotten everything you've wanted."

I have to admit that her words stung a little. Okay, a lot. But she's a friend because I know she won't sugar-coat anything, and she means what she says. Still, it's hard to realize that one of the lasting impressions you've left with people, especially those who are close to you, is one of sadness and longing and waiting for the next thing to start in your life. It made me, well... sad. It made me feel a little defensive inside, and I wanted to tell her that she had no idea what I'd been through, what I'm still trying to reconcile in my heart. I wanted to have a lunch where everything was surface-y and light-hearted and without agenda. Deep inside, though, I knew she spoke truth. This is not the legacy I wish to have. Sadness is not the impression I want to leave with people, especially when I am trying to impart just how awesome Jesus is to those who don't know. How much are you going to want the life of a Christian who is perpetually sad, longing, discontent? I didn't think so. It all made me sad to hear.

It also made me determined to go out there and find the joy.

The good news is, it's not that hard to find. God sprinkles it all over my life, most notably and recently in the form of the most terrific man in the world along with the most terrific little man in the world. When I choose to see the joy, I am delighted. Sometimes it's in little things, like getting the unexpected green light (score!) or a apologetic cashier giving you something free you expected to pay for (in this case, pink reusable grocery bags). Sometimes it's in the bigger things, like realizing just how freaking blessed I am to have my best friend as my husband, or that I will probably never be out of work in my career path, or how awesome it is to be a part of a dynamic, loving, life-changing community. And sometimes it's in all the other things: a morning run you dragged yourself out of bed for that connected you spiritually, your infant son flashing his first toothless grin at you, being the world's worst stinkin' bowler and laughing your head off over it, or finding out that Pei Wei is actually owned by PF Chang's. (Dude. I so didn't know. I am SO THERE.)

I know this probably sounds like the worst sugary get-happy drivel, but it's been a tiny shift in my thinking that has made such a huge difference. I haven't discovered some massive secret of the universe. I still have crappy moments. Seeing joy and being joyful is far from an automatic response for me, and sometimes I have to work pretty hard at it. I still think negatively and probably project that quite well to the world at times. I still have a lot of inner stuff I have to work through, scars and open wounds that surprise me with their depth and rawness despite their age, and thankfully, I've been blessed lately with the right people who can do that with me. But if I can find the joy in each day, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, it keeps my perspective in the right field, and the bonus is that I'm a lot more fun to be around. You can find joy in spite of those wounds, even if they are deep and painful.

So I ask you, for any of you still faithful enough to check if I post anymore: what are you putting out there to the world? Where do you find the joy?

And a belated thank you to a friend who lovingly shook me awake and told me to get over it already and go find some joy.