Yesterday, I took my board examination, the NCLEX-RN. I can honestly say that it was the worst testing experience, if not one of the worst overall experiences of my life so far. Despite all of my previous vows to remain the epitome of calm and Zen, despite my repeated prayers leading up to and during the exam, I still became so anxious that I cried in the middle of the test. I walked out, certain that I had failed. I am remembering snippets of questions and realizing in my calmer, post-exam state that I likely got those wrong.
I am waiting for results now. I am told that I can check a website by tomorrow afternoon and know if I passed or not, though I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't peeked on the website to see if I made it or not. The official letter will come sometime during the middle of next week.
It's hard to describe how I feel right now, because the emotion changes every five minutes: fear, relief that it's done, sorrow, panic, agitation, anger, hope, despair, envy at friends who passed, sympathy for those who didn't and comfort that if I don't pass, I'm not alone. Most of all, I find myself confused and frustrated: this is just the latest of a series of events that has left me feeling wounded and hurt over the past couple of month, and I wonder, "Why this, God? Why now? What are you doing to me?" I know am certainly not the first, nor will I be the last, to ask that question. I know God is big enough, as my friend Tiffany says, to handle my anger and frustration. But there are still many moments of being overwhelmed, tears of fear (no, not Tears For Fears), and praying for miracles and grace.
I am trying not to think about having to go back to work, demoted from graduate nurse to clinical tech, in maroon scrubs and a constant stream of questions like, "why are you not in your navy scrubs?" and "how did the test go?" I'm trying not to think about having to repeat the awful experience in two months, to go through all that anxiety and hell again. I'm trying not to think, period.
For everyone who has given me encouragement and good wishes, thank you. I hope that all those people who said, "I'm sure you did fine" are absolutely right...
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
dreams do come true
Today was my first day at work as a graduate nurse at ORMC. It was a little surreal at first, walking onto the floor in navy blue scrubs. Up until now, I'd been working as a student nurse (in my awful student uniform scrubs) or as a tech (clad in maroon or teal blue). Wearing navy was a tangible, visible sign that I had graduated to a whole new level of employment. I've dreamed of wearing navy scrubs for years now, of finally seeing my long-held dream come true. However, once I got on the floor, I spent the day doing just paperwork, computer work, watching orientation videos... no actual patient care. And so, it was easy to forget that I'd begun a new role in an otherwise familiar environment.
I met Jason at Moe's after work for some queso love - there ain't none better, folks - and since it was both two minutes from our church AND kids' night, it was like a Tuesday night Grace Fellowship gathering, topped with pico de gallo. We ran into a family from the church; Jason had met them before, so he introduced me and we all exchanged the usual pleasantries about where we live and what we do. The wife, Jamie, asks me what I did at the hospital, and without a pause, I replied, "I'm a nurse." And it hit me, right after I said that, as Jamie was asking me where in the hospital I worked, that I am, in fact, a nurse. Granted, I could have done my usual routine where I introduced myself not as a nurse but as a graduate nurse, gone into the long explanation of what that term meant, and explained that once I took my boards, I would be a real registered nurse. But I didn't. I simply said "nurse". It gave me little zings up and down my spine. I felt proud. I smoothed out my navy blue scrubs and stood just a little taller.
And as I drove home from dinner, speaking those words aloud reminded me how faithful and good God is. I find that even among my Christian friends and family, the credit is so often given to my perseverance, my hard work, my ambition, my intelligence, my sacrifice. And yet, I wouldn't be feeling the warm glow of today without Him. For lots of reasons I'll keep a mystery, life has been rough lately, rough in ways that have made me doubt the presence of a God who loves me intimately and has plans for my good and prosperity. I still face more hurdles, most notably the hurdle of board examinations next Monday, where the worth of my entire nursing education boils down to my critical-thinking skills over a 2-3 hour period. I'll admit it: I'm pretty nervous. I don't want to face the possibility of failure, or worse yet, how that possible failure might further shake my already-shaken faith. But then in the middle of all these trials and nerves, there's a rock-solid reminder of how far He's carried me, how solid and unshakable He is, how much He loves me.
It's my navy blue scrubs.
I met Jason at Moe's after work for some queso love - there ain't none better, folks - and since it was both two minutes from our church AND kids' night, it was like a Tuesday night Grace Fellowship gathering, topped with pico de gallo. We ran into a family from the church; Jason had met them before, so he introduced me and we all exchanged the usual pleasantries about where we live and what we do. The wife, Jamie, asks me what I did at the hospital, and without a pause, I replied, "I'm a nurse." And it hit me, right after I said that, as Jamie was asking me where in the hospital I worked, that I am, in fact, a nurse. Granted, I could have done my usual routine where I introduced myself not as a nurse but as a graduate nurse, gone into the long explanation of what that term meant, and explained that once I took my boards, I would be a real registered nurse. But I didn't. I simply said "nurse". It gave me little zings up and down my spine. I felt proud. I smoothed out my navy blue scrubs and stood just a little taller.
And as I drove home from dinner, speaking those words aloud reminded me how faithful and good God is. I find that even among my Christian friends and family, the credit is so often given to my perseverance, my hard work, my ambition, my intelligence, my sacrifice. And yet, I wouldn't be feeling the warm glow of today without Him. For lots of reasons I'll keep a mystery, life has been rough lately, rough in ways that have made me doubt the presence of a God who loves me intimately and has plans for my good and prosperity. I still face more hurdles, most notably the hurdle of board examinations next Monday, where the worth of my entire nursing education boils down to my critical-thinking skills over a 2-3 hour period. I'll admit it: I'm pretty nervous. I don't want to face the possibility of failure, or worse yet, how that possible failure might further shake my already-shaken faith. But then in the middle of all these trials and nerves, there's a rock-solid reminder of how far He's carried me, how solid and unshakable He is, how much He loves me.
It's my navy blue scrubs.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
universal marriage gripe #23
Put the laundry in the laundry basket. Good.
Took the laundry to the laundry room. Good.
Put laundry into washing machines. No complaints here.
Took laundry out of washing machine and into dryer. Excellent.
Brought laundry back to apartment and into bedroom. Again, excellent.
Left warm laundry scrunched and smashed down in laundry basket until cool, thereby preserving scrunchy wrinkled state. Huh?!?
But I wouldn't trade him for all the clean folded laundry in the world. I'm just saying is all...
Took the laundry to the laundry room. Good.
Put laundry into washing machines. No complaints here.
Took laundry out of washing machine and into dryer. Excellent.
Brought laundry back to apartment and into bedroom. Again, excellent.
Left warm laundry scrunched and smashed down in laundry basket until cool, thereby preserving scrunchy wrinkled state. Huh?!?
But I wouldn't trade him for all the clean folded laundry in the world. I'm just saying is all...
Sunday, September 9, 2007
run, do not walk
...and get thyself to your local CD shop (or iTunes) and listen to Leeland. Jason and I got to catch them live at Night of Joy, and holy mother of God, are they good. I mean really, amazingly, kick-ass good, not just "positive hits" good, the kind of bland good that I've come to expect from our local Christian radio station where knowing Jesus must mean that you are always supposed to focus on the positive. The music Leeland puts out can simultaneously announce that God is indeed good and that life really sucks sometimes AND that it is entirely appropriate to praise God with loud guitars and Coldplay-esque musicality. Which is probably why our local radio station hardly plays their music in favor of early 90's Michael W. Smith and Rebecca St. James ad nauseum.
(If you're really bored, take a minute and go to our local Christian radio station's website and count how many times the word "positive" is used... even just on the first page. Mind-numbing, isn't it?)
Plus, the talent on this guy (the lead singer for whom the band is named after) is mind-blowing: half of these songs were written before he sprouted his first chin hairs.
So, a preview:
Enjoy. Seeing him live was one of the musical high points of my entire life, even if he did look eerily similar to Bryce Dallas Howard. Well, minus the make-up, anyway.
(If you're really bored, take a minute and go to our local Christian radio station's website and count how many times the word "positive" is used... even just on the first page. Mind-numbing, isn't it?)
Plus, the talent on this guy (the lead singer for whom the band is named after) is mind-blowing: half of these songs were written before he sprouted his first chin hairs.
So, a preview:
Enjoy. Seeing him live was one of the musical high points of my entire life, even if he did look eerily similar to Bryce Dallas Howard. Well, minus the make-up, anyway.
Friday, September 7, 2007
I gots em
My letters, anyway: one from Pearson Vue saying that I have their authorization to take the NCLEX, and one from the Florida Board of Nursing saying that I may being as a graduate nurse. Together in hand, I will present these to the hospital HR office, and my life is officially signed over to them.
It's been nice during this past month, getting to sleep in most of the days of the week, working here and there, studying for boards, and generally having an open schedule. Jason even had a week off in there, too, and until I cut it short by flying last-minute to Pennsylvania, it was sweet to have us both at home, arranging our schedules as we saw fit.
When I bring those letters to HR, though, it means that for the next three months, I work whenever my preceptor is working. My days working will be 12 hours of running around, alternately sweating and freezing, multi-tasking, ADD-fighting days. It will be a huge change from sitting on the couch, idly wondering whether you should watch Ellen, Oprah, or just flip back and forth on commercial breaks. I think I was re-developing soft spots on my skull.
And yet with all of the above comes the job for which I have been dreaming, working, studying, sometimes slaving, and hoping for six years now, when the idea first entered my head that maybe, just maybe, instead of running around from audition to audition (note: I have always hated auditions!), I could rekindle that childhood dream of being a nurse and enjoy what I do.
graduation day with wendy and shannon
My pay gets doubled. My job satisfaction multiplies exponentially, even with the frustrating, teeth-gnashing days I know will pop up now and then. Plus, I get to wear scrubs instead of polyester-blend something with pantyhose. I don't like pantyhose. I like pajama-like workwear.
It's been nice during this past month, getting to sleep in most of the days of the week, working here and there, studying for boards, and generally having an open schedule. Jason even had a week off in there, too, and until I cut it short by flying last-minute to Pennsylvania, it was sweet to have us both at home, arranging our schedules as we saw fit.
When I bring those letters to HR, though, it means that for the next three months, I work whenever my preceptor is working. My days working will be 12 hours of running around, alternately sweating and freezing, multi-tasking, ADD-fighting days. It will be a huge change from sitting on the couch, idly wondering whether you should watch Ellen, Oprah, or just flip back and forth on commercial breaks. I think I was re-developing soft spots on my skull.
And yet with all of the above comes the job for which I have been dreaming, working, studying, sometimes slaving, and hoping for six years now, when the idea first entered my head that maybe, just maybe, instead of running around from audition to audition (note: I have always hated auditions!), I could rekindle that childhood dream of being a nurse and enjoy what I do.
graduation day with wendy and shannon
My pay gets doubled. My job satisfaction multiplies exponentially, even with the frustrating, teeth-gnashing days I know will pop up now and then. Plus, I get to wear scrubs instead of polyester-blend something with pantyhose. I don't like pantyhose. I like pajama-like workwear.
Monday, September 3, 2007
he came over to the dark side
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
she's okay
Before I left to fly to Pennsylvania, the doctors there seemed as though death was imminent for my grandmother, and advised any and all family members to come quickly to see her. By the time my plane landed and I was whisked directly to the ICU where she was, she was sitting up in bed, feisty as ever, pink in her cheeks. Apparently, the shock to her heart righted a lot of wrong things that were happening, and the end is not near anymore. The biggest issue now is finding an appropriate rehab facility/nursing home for her to go after leaving the hospital: her heart is okay for now, but her strength has been zapped, and her left arm is still broken, and she just cannot live unassisted anymore.
Never let it be said that any visit to my family is a wasted visit - I'm glad I got to see Nana and spend time with family. However, the flight out was both expensive and inconvenient, and I missed some really valuable study/class time. My mom and her three brothers were all there, and it was emotionally exhausting, seeing them all stressed and worn out beyond capacity. Plus, it would only be too soon if I never laid eyes on a Bob Evans restaurant again. Just the sight of yeast rolls is enough to inspire permanent heartburn. Chambersburg, while growing steadily, is pretty much a small town still, and there's just not much around besides restaurants: Cracker Barrel, Bob Evans, Country House, etc. Things with a lot of butter.
I'm back now. Tonight, I'm missing yet another Kaplan class to go celebrate my husband in his new job and his birthday (tomorrow)over dinner. Needless to say, we are NOT being taken to Bob Evans! I'm just really tired and pretty certain that I gained about 5 pounds on this trip, but I have no energy to correct that. Sigh. Still, I am so grateful to be home. I missed Jason something terrible - I had no idea how lonely I would feel with just 5 unexpected days away from him. When he picked me up at the airport, I thought my heart was going to burst, and I wanted to surgically attach my body to his, just to be that close.
Never let it be said that any visit to my family is a wasted visit - I'm glad I got to see Nana and spend time with family. However, the flight out was both expensive and inconvenient, and I missed some really valuable study/class time. My mom and her three brothers were all there, and it was emotionally exhausting, seeing them all stressed and worn out beyond capacity. Plus, it would only be too soon if I never laid eyes on a Bob Evans restaurant again. Just the sight of yeast rolls is enough to inspire permanent heartburn. Chambersburg, while growing steadily, is pretty much a small town still, and there's just not much around besides restaurants: Cracker Barrel, Bob Evans, Country House, etc. Things with a lot of butter.
I'm back now. Tonight, I'm missing yet another Kaplan class to go celebrate my husband in his new job and his birthday (tomorrow)over dinner. Needless to say, we are NOT being taken to Bob Evans! I'm just really tired and pretty certain that I gained about 5 pounds on this trip, but I have no energy to correct that. Sigh. Still, I am so grateful to be home. I missed Jason something terrible - I had no idea how lonely I would feel with just 5 unexpected days away from him. When he picked me up at the airport, I thought my heart was going to burst, and I wanted to surgically attach my body to his, just to be that close.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
calling out to you
For those of you who are patient enough to still follow my poorly-kept blog, please keep me and the family in your prayers. My Nana was admitted to the ICU a few days ago; the staff could not stabilize her heart, and she kept rocking back and forth between extremes, both with blood pressure and pulse rate. Her attending MD told us we should come right away, so away I go: I take a flight into DC, and a short drive into southern PA to Chambersburg, where Nana and most of my mom's family lives. My mom is there now - she called not too long ago to report that the staff had performed a planned shock on Nana's heart (synchronized cardioversion, for my RN friends/family), and her heart rate has now stabilized. This is not a promise, just a current status report. No one knows what will happen from here.
Nana is my last surviving grandparent. I am entering an extremely unstable situation on so many levels. I am not too sure what to expect. I may have a very nice visit with my grandmother. I may be attending a funeral. I may do both. For many very good reasons, Jason cannot come with me, and I'm nervous to go alone.
I'll be home Monday.
Nana is my last surviving grandparent. I am entering an extremely unstable situation on so many levels. I am not too sure what to expect. I may have a very nice visit with my grandmother. I may be attending a funeral. I may do both. For many very good reasons, Jason cannot come with me, and I'm nervous to go alone.
I'll be home Monday.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
shamelessly stolen from kathleen
1. Explain what ended your last relationship?
I liked him a lot more than he liked me. Thank God.
2. When was the last time you shaved?
last night
3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
"Check, check, one, two, check, check, hellohelloooo, check, one, two..."
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Watching a very creepy cartoon dog sing "Never Gonna Give You Up". Bad 80's flashbacks...
5. Are you any good at math?
Ummm, BASIC math, yes. I can add in my head, also subtract, and multiply and divide to a point. Anything beyond that...no. No. No.
6. Your prom night?
Alas, I was the rebel that didn't go to prom. I went to Disney with my best friend instead and had a much better time.
7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Probably some infamous ones back in Sicily, I'm sure.
8. Have you had to take a loan out for school?
Ugh. Let's not talk about it.
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
I do.
10. Last thing received in the mail?
A letter from the state Board of Nursing stating that they can't tell if I have graduated my degree yet. Let's not talk about that, either.
11. How many different beverages have you had today?
Coke, coke, more coke. One, I guess.
12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
About half of the time.
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Classical: National Symphony Orchestra when I was 9 years old. Rock: Gin Blossoms and Toad the Wet Sprocket when I was 15 - totally awesome.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Not really.
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
A dental hygienist getting overzealous with the scraper-thing and, later, floss. OWWWWW.
16. What is out your back door?
Warped wooden planks. A nice barbecue grill. A parking lot.
17. Any plans for Friday night?
Hmmmm - probably dinner and a movie, possibly at home. We'll see what the finances provide.
18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Turns my hair into a tangled, dreadlocked mess? Absolutely.
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
I agree with Kathleen - caramel is best. Plain is OK. Cheese - eh.
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes.
21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
I think everything gets reused around here...
22. Some things you are excited about?
Oooh... okay:
--starting as a graduate nurse as soon as the state can verify I'm graduated
--not being in abject poverty and being able to make rent
--becoming a mom... SOMEDAY ;-)
--my friend K getting a HUGE promotion that she totally, completely deserves
--joining Netflix (they ROCK!)
--my husband starting a cool new job in a week... and, in the meantime, taking a week off to be at home with me
--catching up on reading good books
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Mmmm - strawberry with Cool Whip on top
24. Describe your keychain(s)?
Too many keys, several store coupon tag thingies, and an old 10% goal WW keychain (hah!)
25. Where do you keep your change?
Where do I NOT keep my change? It's everywhere!
26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Does singing count? About 350-400 people this morning.
27. What kind of winter coat do you own?
Charcoal grey pea coat, dark red London Fog raincoat
28. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
Every time, it's been hot as hell. That's what graduation is like here in the Sunshine State.
29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Open - otherwise, we'd be subject to incessant caterwauling from my cat all night. Perhaps that's why it's called "CATerwauling"? She does it well.
I liked him a lot more than he liked me. Thank God.
2. When was the last time you shaved?
last night
3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
"Check, check, one, two, check, check, hellohelloooo, check, one, two..."
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Watching a very creepy cartoon dog sing "Never Gonna Give You Up". Bad 80's flashbacks...
5. Are you any good at math?
Ummm, BASIC math, yes. I can add in my head, also subtract, and multiply and divide to a point. Anything beyond that...no. No. No.
6. Your prom night?
Alas, I was the rebel that didn't go to prom. I went to Disney with my best friend instead and had a much better time.
7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Probably some infamous ones back in Sicily, I'm sure.
8. Have you had to take a loan out for school?
Ugh. Let's not talk about it.
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
I do.
10. Last thing received in the mail?
A letter from the state Board of Nursing stating that they can't tell if I have graduated my degree yet. Let's not talk about that, either.
11. How many different beverages have you had today?
Coke, coke, more coke. One, I guess.
12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine?
About half of the time.
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Classical: National Symphony Orchestra when I was 9 years old. Rock: Gin Blossoms and Toad the Wet Sprocket when I was 15 - totally awesome.
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Not really.
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
A dental hygienist getting overzealous with the scraper-thing and, later, floss. OWWWWW.
16. What is out your back door?
Warped wooden planks. A nice barbecue grill. A parking lot.
17. Any plans for Friday night?
Hmmmm - probably dinner and a movie, possibly at home. We'll see what the finances provide.
18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
Turns my hair into a tangled, dreadlocked mess? Absolutely.
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
I agree with Kathleen - caramel is best. Plain is OK. Cheese - eh.
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes.
21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
I think everything gets reused around here...
22. Some things you are excited about?
Oooh... okay:
--starting as a graduate nurse as soon as the state can verify I'm graduated
--not being in abject poverty and being able to make rent
--becoming a mom... SOMEDAY ;-)
--my friend K getting a HUGE promotion that she totally, completely deserves
--joining Netflix (they ROCK!)
--my husband starting a cool new job in a week... and, in the meantime, taking a week off to be at home with me
--catching up on reading good books
23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Mmmm - strawberry with Cool Whip on top
24. Describe your keychain(s)?
Too many keys, several store coupon tag thingies, and an old 10% goal WW keychain (hah!)
25. Where do you keep your change?
Where do I NOT keep my change? It's everywhere!
26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
Does singing count? About 350-400 people this morning.
27. What kind of winter coat do you own?
Charcoal grey pea coat, dark red London Fog raincoat
28. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
Every time, it's been hot as hell. That's what graduation is like here in the Sunshine State.
29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Open - otherwise, we'd be subject to incessant caterwauling from my cat all night. Perhaps that's why it's called "CATerwauling"? She does it well.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
i am cheap, large, and topped with sour cream
Jason and I went to our local Bennigan's last night for dinner. We probably could have eaten at home just as easily and for less expense, but I was tired, hungry, a bit sore from standing on my feet all day and helping 300+-pound patients walk around, and I was not in the mood to cook dinner. Apparently, neither was Jason, so out we went.
We're creatures of habit: I ordered a "Turkey O'Toole", which is pretty much a hot turkey sandwich on a sliced soft pretzel, minus the salt sprinkles and with a little bit of honey mustard added. He orders Chicken Tenders. We both order a loaded baked potato as the side.
(Already, you might read into a lot of things about what I ordered. Healthy broccoli as a side? Hell no! Anyway, I digress...)
The food comes out after an okay wait, and our loaded baked potatoes? Tiny. Well, they seemed quite tiny to us, anyway. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows how cranky I get when I am hungry, especially when you add being tired into the mix. I ask the waiter, "What's up with the tiny potatoes?" Waiter Dude shrugs and says, "I dunno. I guess potatoes come in different sizes. Sorry about that," and walks away.
I begin to FUME.
I keep staring at this potato, fuming because it is roughly 3/4 the size of my fist (and mind you, my hands are quite small) and nowhere near the size of the potatoes I'm used to getting from Bennigan's: big, butter-drippy, cheesy, bacony taters that are meals unto themselves. I'm fuming because of the size and over the Unfairness Of It All that I am paying about $9 for a turkey sandwich and a measly potato-wannabe.
Then, it hits me: this is EXACTLY the sort of thing for which I should be grateful. Why? Because I've grown up watching portion sizes get bigger and bigger. I've also watched my waistline get bigger and bigger (especially lately) because I, too, look for bigger and better and cheaper all the time. Sure, I'll lament over the Biggie-Sizing of restaurant and fast food meals, but when you actually listen to me and replace the monstrous portions with more reasonable ones, I kick and scream and sob, "It's not fair!" like a socialite getting sent back to serve the rest of her prison term.
In the end, we told the waiter we were dissatisfied, left a note expressing as much on our credit card receipt, and vowed to go someplace where the portion sizes were bigger for less money. That wasn't our exact thought, but it was the sentiment, for sure. We bellyached on the ride home about how the cost of one of our dwarf-sized meals at Bennigan's could have bought an entire feast of gooey queso and tortilla-wrapped goodness at Moe's instead. But inside my head, the wheels were turning.
I'm wondering why I pay money every month to places like Weight Watchers to help me lose weight, when I am also running around town, searching like a starved rat to find food that is both cheap and large. You know the expression: "you are what you eat". Does this mean I am both cheap and large? Well, um... YEAH. It's heading that way, anyway.
I'm thinking a lot today about this. I'm missing the open trail, which I haven't seen now for about 4 months. I'm thinking about smaller potatoes and better food and learning that "stuffed" is not an option to treat myself the best way I can. I'm thinking about a lot of these things.
More to follow. Me thinks there is a huge turn-around happening.
We're creatures of habit: I ordered a "Turkey O'Toole", which is pretty much a hot turkey sandwich on a sliced soft pretzel, minus the salt sprinkles and with a little bit of honey mustard added. He orders Chicken Tenders. We both order a loaded baked potato as the side.
(Already, you might read into a lot of things about what I ordered. Healthy broccoli as a side? Hell no! Anyway, I digress...)
The food comes out after an okay wait, and our loaded baked potatoes? Tiny. Well, they seemed quite tiny to us, anyway. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows how cranky I get when I am hungry, especially when you add being tired into the mix. I ask the waiter, "What's up with the tiny potatoes?" Waiter Dude shrugs and says, "I dunno. I guess potatoes come in different sizes. Sorry about that," and walks away.
I begin to FUME.
I keep staring at this potato, fuming because it is roughly 3/4 the size of my fist (and mind you, my hands are quite small) and nowhere near the size of the potatoes I'm used to getting from Bennigan's: big, butter-drippy, cheesy, bacony taters that are meals unto themselves. I'm fuming because of the size and over the Unfairness Of It All that I am paying about $9 for a turkey sandwich and a measly potato-wannabe.
Then, it hits me: this is EXACTLY the sort of thing for which I should be grateful. Why? Because I've grown up watching portion sizes get bigger and bigger. I've also watched my waistline get bigger and bigger (especially lately) because I, too, look for bigger and better and cheaper all the time. Sure, I'll lament over the Biggie-Sizing of restaurant and fast food meals, but when you actually listen to me and replace the monstrous portions with more reasonable ones, I kick and scream and sob, "It's not fair!" like a socialite getting sent back to serve the rest of her prison term.
In the end, we told the waiter we were dissatisfied, left a note expressing as much on our credit card receipt, and vowed to go someplace where the portion sizes were bigger for less money. That wasn't our exact thought, but it was the sentiment, for sure. We bellyached on the ride home about how the cost of one of our dwarf-sized meals at Bennigan's could have bought an entire feast of gooey queso and tortilla-wrapped goodness at Moe's instead. But inside my head, the wheels were turning.
I'm wondering why I pay money every month to places like Weight Watchers to help me lose weight, when I am also running around town, searching like a starved rat to find food that is both cheap and large. You know the expression: "you are what you eat". Does this mean I am both cheap and large? Well, um... YEAH. It's heading that way, anyway.
I'm thinking a lot today about this. I'm missing the open trail, which I haven't seen now for about 4 months. I'm thinking about smaller potatoes and better food and learning that "stuffed" is not an option to treat myself the best way I can. I'm thinking about a lot of these things.
More to follow. Me thinks there is a huge turn-around happening.
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